Day 1: What if???

Its only a few weeks until Brien's 24th birthday. I wonder what he would have been like. What he would have wanted to do for his birthday. Go to a basketball game, go to a sports bar, or go snowboarding? or maybe he would have had a new hobby. Somedays I fell like I cant remember life with him. Somedays I forget he is even gone that I can just call him on the phone. Most days I just wonder what would have been. Would he have been married?kids? college? living in Cali?or Arizona? or maybe even somewhere else. I think thats the hardest thing to deal with. They say time heals all and while I guess in some ways thats true, although sometimes time makes it harder. I feel like I am starting to forget. I dont want to be left wondering what if. I just want my brother back. I want that piece of my heart back. This time of year is the worst. its heartbreaking, when we should be getting ready to celebrate a birthday with him, instead we celebrate without him and then 12 days later we gather together to remember him on his death date. It will be 10 years Feb 15th, ten years that somebody decided to run a red light and kill my brother and his two best friends. Feb is a hard month, I wish I could just sleep through it, kinda like that song "September" by greenday. But there are two bright spots in Feb. Kaydence and Deckers birthdays. Which i am forever thankful for those bright spots in a hard month.

{Brien as a cute as a button toddler}

{Brien at the Fair}

{Brien back center with Left to Right, big brother Kyle, little brother Kurt and big sister, Aimee(me)}

{Christmas 1990, Brien in blue sweater on left, with big sister, Aimee(me) center holding baby sister Kaitlyn, on right is little brother Kurt, and in back big brother Kyle}

{One of Brien's headshots, our little star}

{Brien next to surf board on right learning to surf with cousin Casey,left, brother Kurt next to Brien on right and cousin Wesley far right}

{Brien as a teenager with friend Jeff}

{Brien's last school picture, 8th grade, Ramona Jr High}