Sunday, December 11, 2011

Black and White

Maybe its the holiday, maybe its because i miss you so. Or maybe its because I see you wherever I go. But lately I think about you more then normal. I see you everywhere from the little girl at work who is super excited to be getting a new soccer ball to the silly teenager getting ready to go on a snow trip. I see you in everyone. A smile, a look, a glimpse, a laugh, a spark of joy, sparkly blues eyes or a simple smile I see you everywhere. And goshdarnitt I miss you like hell.

I wrote this poem 2 years ago, a few days before christmas.

Black and White
I sit here staring,
the black and white photograph
staring back at me.
so many emotions,
so many memories,
yet I cant stare
long enough to get
the color back in your eyes.
its ever haunting,
ever running,
I have forgotten
the sound of your laugh,
the softness of your voice,
the blueness of your eyes.
the picture stare back at me,
void of color,
void of life,
void of everything you ever were,
everything you could have become,
all those words never spoken,
these tears are not for you,
but for me,
because i cant remember your
favorite anything,
you were my everything,
and i cant remember anything,
i try to get back just the
sound of you,
and i cant even remember
the smallest thing,
the tiniest laugh,
the smallest detail of
your everyday life.
the only memory that comes to me,
is you lieing ever so still,
no sound,
no touch,
no life,
your eyes lost its color,
your lips lost its smile,
your skin lost its warmth.
All I want is you back,
here with me,
I just want to have you back,
and i cant
your lost to me,
all i have is this
black and white photograph.

This photo was taken the last Christmas Brien was here with us. Sometimes I look at it and think I can see what he would have looked like now and sometimes all I see is a little boy. This photo is the one that inspired the poem. Its the picture that was everywhere after his death. Looking back its one of three picture that inspired me to become a photographer. I know in my heart Brien is in a better place but that doesnt ease the pain of missing him.

Please remember in all your crazy going abouts that you slow down enjoy the time you have. The people you love. Small things shouldnt matter. Just enjoy this moment no matter how hard times may be. You may just look back and remember it not as the time you didnt have anything but as the time that you had everything with the person/people you love. Take a moment and tell those you love that you do love them. Take the time to forgive, forget and move forward.

Please also remember when you get in you car today, tomorrow or whenever to go the speed limit and follow the road signs and signals. Red light, green light is not a game when you behind the wheel. Dont just think about yourself there are other people on the road. Other mothers, fathers, sister and little brothers. Be safe.

Monday, December 5, 2011

A Christmas Poem

I wrote this poem in december of 2009. I still feel this way. Christmas is still very hard time for me. But I do love Christmas it just isnt the same with an empty seat at the table. I still miss Brien every still damn day. The holidays are no different. In fact I prolly think about him more when people go about shopping and singing and having Christmas joy. I am by no means a grinch, like I said I love Christmas. Its a magical time of year. To me it would just be a whole lot more magical with Brien here.

Christmas without you
Christmas isnt really christmas
without you, I am standing
here looking around at all the
tinkling lights and there is no lights
that will ever shine as bright as your eyes
its been years and years and years
and still christmas isnt
the same with out you. I am at
a lost. looking around the mall
and still want to find you that
perfect present that perfect toy
yet i dont even have you to give
it to. all the joy that surrounds
me is all void without you
i am a reall big grinch this
time of year. i cant seem to
get into the spirit without you
you made my day everyday
christmas just isnt the same
without you. your laughter isnt
here to fill a room,
you care free attitude now
lies 6 feet below the ground.
how do i do christmas without you?
it doest get easier as time goes bye,
all those people lied,.
it only get harder, time doesnt
heal just mask the pain.
every year is the hardest one so far.
the farther away i get for you the
more i want to rewind time
to catch a glispe of you
at christmas time.
listin to you sing the carols,
watch you decorate the tree.
get messy with you as we bake
all those sugar cookies.
will christmas ever be the same
without you?