Permanant Love

So I have been saying for days that I was going to write this blog and my sisters threw a wrench in the plans. Well that is because I wanted to do a blog on tattoos that we(siblings and I) have gotten in memory of Brien. The sisters decided to get match tats in memory of Bri on the 11th anniversary of his death. So I couldnt do the blog until theirs were done. Then I just kinda got lazy.

Kyle, Stacey, Kake and I all have a permanent mark of our love for Brien inked on our skin. I know we all have ours for slightly different reasons. But one reason that remains the same is for a memory of Brien we carry everywhere.

Kyle got his first. Within the first year(I believe) of Brien's death. He went with his best friend Daniel who is also Katie's older brother. Kyle got his tat and Daniel got the same one with Katie's name and if I remember correctly color.

I have two tats for Brien, one on my lower back and one on my wrist. My wrist tat is in memory of the three of them and it has Brien's basketball number as well.

Kake has a total of 3 tats for Brien. One of Bri's initials on her wrist, an angel down her side and a basketball on her ankle.

For some reason I dont have a picture of Kake's wrist tat.

Stacey just recently got her Brien tat. It is the same as Kake's they did it together.

11 years ago...

Ok   so I know that promised the blog Iwas going to do yesterday today but I decided I will wait and do that blog tomorrow. Honestly mainly because I am lazy and have to download picture/find pictures etc. Also today is February 15th.

On this day 11 years ago at around 9/10 o'clock in the evening my worst nightmares began. And I actually thought it was a nightmare and not real life. I have never in my life been so numb or so in shock as I was that night. It literally became the worst day of my life, nothing will ever compare, or rather I pray it doesn't. I guess I should start at the top.

February 15, 2001 started off like any other day. I was at my moms, most likely woke up to an alarm that was set way too early for my sister, Stacey, to get ready for her day. I also most likely threw something at her to wake her up because while she did set her alarm it never did seem to wake her. It would only wake me and I would just start throwing things at her until she turned off the alarm. That was her morning wake up. I then eventually got up and ready for high school. And off to school we went. It was like an other school day, long and boring. After school I am sure I attempted to do homework. The whole family made it out to Brien's basketball game. Brien got to play a little in this game. But when he wasn't playing he was cheering louder and harder then even Stacey the cheerleader. The day was overall pretty ordinary. Nothing of note really had happened up to that point.Sometime around 4 or 5 I talked to Katie Nelson on the phone. She ask if I could make it to a basketball game at Ontario High. I don't remember however if I ask to go or not. I do remember telling her I would call her back. I never did get the chance. I think at some point I got in trouble with the folks. When this happen as a moody sulking teen I tended to head straight to bed. It had to have been after dinner sometime. I slept for the last time peacefully, until Stacey came to wake me up around 9 or 10. I thought I was in trouble again and reluctantly went to see my mom who was sitting in our big blue chair head in her hands, crying and simply said "Brien was in a car accident". And with those simple 6 words my world was shattered, broken and would never be the same. Quietly we load ourselves in the car and drove to the chino hospital. The entire way I sat in the back seat of the van and prayed. "Please let me just see Brien again." I repeated those words so many  times I lost count. My mom and stepdad, Alan, got out of the car and quickly returned. We drove in silence to the crash site of walnut and euclid. The entire time saying my prayer. This part I remember vividly, two mangled cars, an ambulance, and two blue tarps. My family got out of the car but I stayed in. I couldnt move, I couldnt think. In my head I was screaming and running towards those blue tarps. In reality I was sitting in the back seat my forehead pressed against the cold glass window. The rest of the night was a blur. I dont remember who told me that Brien, Katie, and Curtis were all dead. Who told me Mama Katy and Joe (Katie's parents) were in the hospital. I do remember going to my dads where the house was full of people but the little kids (Katie, Kake and Kurt) all asleep still. I for a good while thought to myself "why are they just letting Kurt sleep, should he know his brother is gone. His best friend isnt coming back." I finally made the hardest choice of my life, I went to Brien and Kurt's room and watched Kurt sleep peacefully for a while. Sat on his bed, stroked his hair and then gently woke him up. Mentally I was preparing for those words, I dreaded it. Kurt sat up, looked strangely at me. And I calmly said "Kurt, Brien was in a car accident, he didnt make it. Katie and Curtis are gone too." Kurt's big eyes looked at me and filled with tears. My little 12 year old brother crawled in my lap wraps his arms around my neck and cried. I rocked him and let the tears just fall. It was the first time I cried that night. I dont know how long I held onto Kurt. While this moment defined the worst moment in my life, it was a special bonding time between Kurt and I.
The next things I remember of this night was calling my two best friends, Amy and Kristin. And I walked with the neighborhood kids, Kyle(my oldest brother), Daniel(Katie's Brother), Casey(Curtis' Brother) and the Damico boys, Mike and Matt. We walked for hours and hours and hours. Aimlessly just walked. Mike and I ended up walking all night. Hardly any words were spoken. Words didnt need to be spoken. All of us teens were devastated,heartbroken and scared. We probably didnt have words, the oldest of us was maybe 19, no body could have prepared us for that being so young. Are lives were forever changed.

Little Ceasar

So I had this great post all lined up for today but two of my awesome sisters threw a wrench in the plans so that post will be moved until tomorrow or thursday. Now I dont really have a clue what to write. I dont plan these blogs out in advance just kinda go as the day takes me. So sorry if this makes no sense.

Today is the day of love, it is also Arizona's 100th birthday. Eleven years ago it was the last day Brien ever laid his head on his pillow for the night.  This is what I always think about on valentines day.

Brien was filled with so much love for others. I just wanted the world to know that. He never met a person he didnt like. He was the most popular kid in school not because he was the tallest, handsomest, richest or even the funniest(even though he was pretty funny and handsome) he was just the most outgoing, caring, friendliest person you'd ever meet. He knew no stranger. He could charm his way into a starring role just with his smile. Which he did by the way. It took me  a good 5 hours to watch youtube video of old 90's commercials to find the one where Brien charmed his way into one of the principal roles but after searching for it for forever I finally found it. Orginally Brien was only supposed to be an extra, but the director saw him and his adorable face and casted him as the principal. In this little ceasars commercial Brien is the little boy with the baseball glove smiling huge into the camera. Enjoy!

Click here to see it

Finding this commercial has also made me want to find all his other commercials.

This picture was one of his headshots.

****This post was the Feb 14th post but it took me all night to find the commercial*****

Whitney

As you all probably know by now, Whitney Houston has died. If you did not know this then you must live under a rock with no radio, tv or Internet access. Honestly I was never a huge Whitney fan(Now before you get your panties in a bind, Whitney is an amazing singer. She will be missed the point is I never went out and bought a CD of hers) , however there is one song that of hers that I will forever link to my bro Brien.  That song is "I will always love you." While this song is a great vocal song when I hear it I automatically hear/see Brien lip singing it to Joseph for a talent show we had one year at Refugio. And my word was it the funniest thing I ever did see. Brien got into the song. Joseph was just as funny too.
Here for your viewing delight a picture of Brien signing the song....

Now while your looking at the picture listen to Whitney sing it while imaging Brien lip singing it with  all his little heart. Enjoy :)

Chicken Pox

I am spending the weekend in AZ with my mom, stepdad and baby brother. Mom and I were talking about memories we have of Brien and I just remember this small snip it of a memory of me with the chicken pox. My mom put my older brother, Kyle and little brother, Brien in the bath with me and a sock full of oatmeal. I remember this because it strange to me to take a bath with a sock. I am sure there are actual picture of all of us in the bath. You instead get the Easter picture of me with the chicken pox. Just in case you were wondering Brien never did end of getting the chicken pox. I guess the oatmeal in the sock worked after all.

A small note from Mom

Even though Brien got older he always kissed me goodnight even until the day he died at 14. He wasnt even afraid to kiss me on the lips. He was my only boy who did that into his teens.

{Mom with her kids.}

Crosses

*This post belongs to yesterday Thursday February 9th. Between work and driving to AZ I didn't have the time to post but I did write this post out. *

You know when you drive down the street or freeway and you see those little crosses? 11 years ago I would barely even look at them. Barely even notice. I life was lost there and I barely even took notice. I didn't let it upset my day or my moment. Like that life didn't mean anything. On a rare occasion if the flowers fresh or there were balloons tied to the cross, I might think "Oh how sad". But it was never anything beyond that.
Fast forward eleven years and those crosses take a whole new meaning for me. Now when driving if I pass by a cross, I slow down and say a little prayer for that family. And for a moment in time, just a moment I miss that person. I miss the impact that person could have had on my life, I miss the moment he or she could have been laughing or playing with his or her family.

So even if you have never had to endure the pain of placing a cross on the side of the road take moment to remember those lives and the lives of the families.

                                         {Christmas 2010, Brien(in picture frame) with his siblings and
                                               niece. Top Kurt, next row left to right, Kyle, Kake, Aaron,
                                                   bottom left to right, Katie, Aimee, Maddie, and Stacey}

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

Everyone has a favorite memory of someone they love that has gone on to shoot hoops with Jesus. I am no different. I have a memory of Brien that is honestly my favorite memory prolly of all time. I think of it often because it always brings a smile and maybe a tear or two. And I am very blessed that this memory also includes Katie and Curtis. Honestly it should because those three were stuck together like glue. And in a way they still are. I haven't shared this memory with anyone in a long time. I guess I like to keep it to myself but its time to share the memory now. I am going to write this little memory more in the way I talk, so please excuse the abundance of so's, ands, and likes.

I think I might have been 14, Brien 12 and Katie and Curtis 13ish maybe we were all a little older. So to start off this story there is something you need to know. I had a HUGE and i mean huge crush on a neighbor boy name Michael Damico. If you grew up in my neighborhood or knew me as a teenager this comes honestly as no shock. Also as a teenager I was quite shy. One day Mike and I were sitting on the curb in front of Katie Nelson's house talking. We were sitting pretty close to each other. Probably flirting with each other in the best way I know how which isnt very good even now. It was dark outside prolly just after dust. The Nelson's outside lights were on but for the most part Mike and I were in the dark. We thought (or I thought I wont think for Mike) we were alone. One thing I have learn is growing up in my neighborhood one is never alone. Anyhoo Mike and I were talking some serious talk, whatever was serious at that age I guess. We were facing the street, therefore our backs to the driveway. Next thing we know Brien is signing that old K-I-S-S-I-N-G song. You know that one kids sing. Insert Mike and I's names. Sing it to yourself really loud. That was Brien singing. As if that wasnt embaressing enough now add Katie and Curtis acting out the song pretend they were us. Then Bri stops singing and Katie and Curtis go into a nice little skit they made up. It went something like this. (before i get into the script as i remember it, i am sorry for the ignorant remarks we were kids and this stuff was funny to us. )

Curtis(playing mike): Oh Aimee, will you be my girlfriend
Katie(playing me): Oh mike I thought you would never ask but are you sure we can you know cuz your mormon and i am not.(Little background Mike at this time wasnt mormon but a lot of his friends were.)
Curtis: Oh.. I will quit being mormon just for you.
Katie:  Oh mike.. (insert kissy noises etc)
Brien: And they dated all through high school.
Curtis: (down on one knee) Aimee will you marry me?
Katie: Oh yes mike
Brien: Today we are gathered here to join these two in holy matormony. will you mike take aimee to be your lawful wedded wife until death do you part?
Curtis: I do
Brien: Aimee do you take Mike to be your lawful wedded husband until death do you part?
Katie:  I do
Brien: Now you may kiss the bride: (Insert really loud annoying kissy noises)

by this time I was really really beat red with embaressment. And Mike finally tells them to quit it.
And we all laughed and laughed.

This is my favorite memory not because i was truely embaressed but because this little skit was ment just for me(and mike). And this was just the way the three of them were. Fun to be around, funny and full of mischieve. I miss that.

These pictures are from my 16th birthday party

From the back left, Daniel Nelson(Katie's big brother), Mike Damico, Sarah(my cousin), next row from left, Annie(my cousin) Me, Stacey(my sister) Brien, and Kake(my sister)

Oh fun times! From left around the trash can Brien's legs are sticking out of. Annie, Daniel, Mike, Katie Nelson, Stacey, Kake, and Aaron(baby brother).

Brien and Mike

Somedays

Sometimes I still get the urge to call him. Or to run across the street to hang out with her. I still get the urge to sit in parked cars just to hang out and sing really badly with them. It only takes a moment to burst the happiness I felt because then I remember that I cant do that.
Even good days have a little saddness in them because they are not here to share it with us. Somedays more then others I just really miss them a little bit more. I am thankful for the moments I had. But I wish I could have had more. A lot more.

Today is one of those days.

Brien. You are missed.

Katie and Curtis. You are missed.

Ranch Dressing

For some reason today all I kept thinking about was Brien and his ranch dressing. I swear that boy put ranch on EVERYTHING! And I mean everything. But I am sure if he had a choice he wouldnt have to put it on his salad because he hated salad. I am not sure why this is what I thought about today. But I was thinking about what to write on this little blog and all that came to mind was ranch dressing. I know its weird. Maybe Brien was eating his favorite food and wanted me to know. Maybe in his part of heaven everything is made of ranch dressing.
I guess when people whom you love dearly die, the littlest things make you think of them. Whatever it may be even its as something as everyday as ranch dressing. So today look around you. Look at your loved ones and remember that little small moment. Take time to take it all it. Smile, laugh, be silly and eat lots of ranch dressing. Maybe that what Brien was trying to tell me. Its ok to put ranch on everything, its ok to be different, its ok to love ranch but hate salad, its ok to let go have fun and love ranch dressing. So today LOVE ranch dressing and dont worry about tomorrow.

{Brien, his sister, Stacey and cousin Matt}

{Cousin Wesley and Brien}

{Friend Jeff hanging Brien by his toes}

Today is/was superbowl sunday. I am sure Brien was rooting and cheering and enjoying himself with the best seat in the house.

I had this great blog post in mind today but I could find the pictures to go with it and now I am tired and have a headache so.. I am going to keep this one short and sweet.

I know Brien would have enjoyed watching the game, playing a little football in the streets and eating tons of food. I am sure that is what he hoped all of you did. This picture was taken at my Nana's house in Yucca Valley. We played a lot of football in her backyard. Along with shooting guns, feeding the bird and coyotes, watching movies and playing with her tortoises. Who knows Brien and Nana are prolly up in heaven right now doing all those things together. Happy Superbowl Sunday folks. May you remember that no matter the score remember to have fun.

More birthday wishes

Well after I posted the virtual birthday card for Brien.. even more people wanted to say something. Sorry again if I forgot yours.

happy birthday brien i miss you dude from Joe

Miss you Brien. Happy Heavenly B'day! Love you, Nana Rose

We miss you Brien on your 25th Birthday! Love Uncle David

 caught myself remembering the last tournament he was in. He was on my team, and I think we won. A lovely memory of him and I feel very blessed to have it. Happy Birthday Brien! ♥ Marie

I know there was a few more people who wished him a happy birthday, Dorothy, Ms Yu,  Tammi, Michelle, and his best bud Dom.

Thank you all again for your wonderfully kind words and thoughts. I know that somehow Brien reads this blog and says thank you for all the great birthday wishes.

I went and saw him today. It was nice just me and him. It was quiet and calm and quite peaceful. And a tad bit chilly. I stayed until they closed the gates.

I often catch myself wondering what Brien would be like. Where his life would have lead to. If he would have gotten the same teachers in high school his siblings got? Would he have a Kurt like impression on Ms Yu? Or would he have tested the waters with Ms Plummer? Where would he have gone after high school. College? Straight to a career? Some how I know two things for certain he would have done. First no matter where his life would have taken him he would have been somehow involved in sports. I can see him as a ESPN announcer. Or working for the Clippers or Cowboys. The second thing for sure is he would have  been absolutely in love with his niece, Madison. He would have just as much energy as her. I can almost see both their big blue eyes sparkling with laughter. I can almost see them playing together. Sometimes when I look at Maddie I can see a little bit of Brien in her. In a look or her mischievous smile.
Its hard not to think of all the what-ifs. But I guess we will never know what could have been.

***Dont forget to share a story that you may have of Brien***

Happy Birthday Brien Andrew!

Today is Brien's 25th birthday..

On my facebook page I ask if anyone want to wish Brien a Happy Birthday. I got quite a few responses.

Here are some of the happy birthdays.

Happy birthday Brien! I wish I had the honor to meet you, but I got to meet the people most like you and I'm so grateful for that. ♥ Love Natalie

‎25 years ago today I gave birth to my son, Brien Andrew. He brought so much joy and laughter to our family. I am blessed that I had 14 wonderful years with him before he went home to Jesus. He still lives in my heart and in the heart of all my children, my husband and all who knew him. I will always cherish the years I had with him and I so look forward to seeing him again one day in heaven. Thank you Jesus for your peace and keeping Brien safe and holding him on your knees!! Happy Birthday Brien!! You will always be my little man and the heart of the game!! I love you forever and always!! Muah!! Love Mom.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRIEN!!!! LOVE YA!!!! Love your stepdad, Alan

 Happy Birthday Brien! We love you and miss you! Love, Aunt Cathy :)


Happy 25th Birthday, Brien Andrew Maloney. 25 woulda looked damn good on you! I can't believe it's been 11 years without you.... I just hope we still make you proud lil buddy!! ♥ Kelley-Rose

Happy birthday Brien!! I can't believe you would have been 25 and able to rent a car! I can't help but wonder if you would have been able to see over the steering wheel though! ;) I miss you each and everyday but then again I look at how blessed I am and I know it's because I have you as my guardian angel! Continue resting in piece!! I love you so much! Can't wait to reunite with you in heaven one day ♥ Love your baby sis, Kaitlyn

happy birthday! Love Roxy

Happy Birthday. Love Alyssa

♥ Happy birthday Brien Love Ashley

Happy 25th bday Brien, This year we did the impossible and made the Clippers good just for you... Miss you bro. Love Kyle

Happy Birthday Bro I miss you and love u cant believe u r 25years old can't wait to see u again  Love your sis, Katie

Thinking of and missing our Brien today... It's his 25th Birthday!!! Love You! Love your stepmom Jan

Happy 25th birthday to a very missed and loved brother of mine! ♥ Love your sis Stacey

Happy Birthday to Brien!! Love Kristin

Happy Birthday Brien love your friends, Dana, Ashley, Candice J., Jessica, Tami, Charise, Erik, Laila, Nicole, Lyn,  Andria, Kisha, Amy, Daniel, Zaria, Shay, Cecelia, Mandy,Reginald,Beatriz, Jamie,Amanda, Katie M, Stephanie, Alex, Melissa,Katie S, Giulie, Susie,Kyle A., Sean, Rebekah, Trina, Amber, Missy, Carly, Katelyn H., Lauren, Samuel, Bethany, Ryan, Cheyenne, Sean P., Bryon, Mely, Nichole, Adrienne, Brandon O., David O., Robyn, Kelly,  Kirsten, Robert R., Pat, Gina, Michelle,  Robyn C., Ami K., Todd,  Steven, Carlos, Jamie A., Ryan R., Keith, Chris, Shannon, Nicole A., Mike, Joshua, Jilda, Ray, Mark H., Kelsie, Katy N, Nathan N., Phil C., Bonnie, Rachel M. LouAnn, Rose, Jae, Linda B., Anthony, Sandra S. Ileana, Audrey, Mike T., and Aaron. (I hope I got everyone)


The other day my niece, Madison, wanted to make sure that the world knew "I love my uncle Brien. I wanted to meet him and someday I will. I love him. Happy Birthday Uncle Brien!"

Dear Brien,
I hope you know just how much you are loved and missed. I just wanted to say on your special day how much I love you. You were such a great little brother. The world and my life are a little sadder without you in them. I know that even to this day you still touch lives. You are a hero in my eyes. Thank you for teaching me just how to live. I love you. Happy Birthday my white chocolate.
Love always your big sis,
Aimee!


Thank you to everyone who remembers Brien on his birthday and for all those that wish us, his family, just kind words, well wishes, thoughts and prayers. It truely means alot to us.

*This year for the blog I am looking for some great funny stories of Brien. Feel free to send them to me*

Its that time of year again.

Today is February 2nd which means tomorrow is the 3rd. What would have been Brien's 25th birthday. 12 days later marks the 11th year he went to heaven. Not a day, a hour, a minute goes by where I don't think of him. That I don't wish he was here, making me smile, making me laugh, making me try new things meet new people. All though I know he can see everything, I still feel like I want to tell him everything he is missing.
Of course this month also mean the Brien Project is back in full force. For which I need your help. If you want to write something about him or to him or just send pictures please feel free.

{In this picture I have always seen an older version of Brien we were never blessed to actually see}

Brien will never be forgotten. His legacy lives in each one of us. Brien you are missed. I am glad you have your best friends with you but we miss the three of you down here.